You Jerk!

Here's a funny one.

Have you ever been saying anything that may be borderline racist or rude to your friend and someone that fits that racial profile or status walks by you, or overhears you?

Oh man, this is so awkward.

Just simple things like, "How's about you eat some more cake, ya fatty." Then a heavy-set, or obese, person walks behind you clearly hearing what you just said.

Maybe, calling your friends "retarded" when they say or do some inexplicable, followed by a family with a handicapped son scoffing or having a stern talk with you about having scruples or moral manners. Because by using that word you're subjecting the actual handicapped person or persons, and there's no way possible that you didn't see that person and were using that word jokingly with your friends. This didn't happen to me.....

Or semi-racist things like, "Yo' what up brotha? You want some dis chicken and watamelon?" You glance up to 7 black dudes glaring at you. Eek.

All of it no matter what is awkward.

And if all else fails, just run.

B-b-b-bonus Edition!

Okay, so I normally only do one blog per day on my other blog, and this one is weekly.

HOWEVER! I thought I'd give ya'll a little treat :-D

Did you ever notice how terrible that airplane food is?

Ha, no no. I'm just teasing America.

Or should I say, San Diego?

I'm sure by this point in time, everyone and their dog has seen the movie, Anchorman (okay, obviously not their dog, its just an expression. So chill out.)

The other day I was rollin' down the road on my hog (scooter, for all of you who don't know what my hog is) when I was approaching a stoplight.

It was red.

From afar I could see this old brown 1980 something big honkin' conversion van pulling up to the stoplight adjacent to the street I was on. He stopped and quickly pulled out to turn right.

The light turned green.

He pulled out and was right next to me and I saw this heavy set mustache-equipped man eating a burrito.

I panicked. I immediately referred to Anchorman.

"Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling." Tosses out window at guy on hog!

Great Odin's raven, I was scared.

Thankfully, everything panned out okay.

I don't know if I'd be able to punt his dog off a bridge.

Now you know what I was talking about with the whole San Diego thing. Sorry.

One Fell Swoop?

This might be a bit grotesque to some of my readers, so here's a heads-up.

Have you ever had those times where you're going to the bathroom and you only have to wipe once?

This is one of my proudest moments. Its so awesome when you can go in, do your biz and get out. Not spend all day in there thinking, "When is this going to end!?"

Oh, come on. You know what I'm talking about.

Lighten up, let's all be adults here.

This happened to me the other day. And as I was exiting the stall, I thought if there could be a nickname for this phenomenon. Getting all of it in one fell swoop.

Then it dawned on me.

One Fell Poop.

It fits perfectly (Swoop and Poop rhyme), uses one of the funniest words in the English language (Poop) and is very accurate on account of what took place.

So here, this day. I, dub this awesome expedition of your poopoo matters:

One Fell Poop.

Ah, thank you.

Skunka Funka

So, the other day I was cruisin' on the ol' scooter and what do I see for the first time in my life?

A real-life skunk.

And it was alive!

Why is the only way we recognize a skunk is by its smell we smell coming from under our wheel-well on our car? Or by its mix of black and white fur we see from a little carcass splattered across our roadway?

Seeing this little guy scurry across the road was two things: 1. Wild to see him alive and 2. Scary.

I was about 250 feet away from him (or her, I don't want to cause any discrimination. Ladies...!) and I was getting nervous that he was about to pucker up and squirt me with his yucky, smelly musk.

As I approached, I was ready to swerve. Thankfully the little guy shuffled towards someones house. I though to myself, 'Ha ha, sucka. You're gonna get a little stanky stank surprise.'

Those are one of the fears that people don't openly express like spiders or heights or tight spaces.

Wusses.